One Year


I love you.

I never could have imagined 19 years ago that things would turn out as they have.  If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would do things very differently…but I can’t…

What disheartens me the most is the pain and distress you must have felt  throughout your young life.  How alone you must have felt with a father that abandoned you, a religion that isolated you, a mother that left you, a step-father that wasn’t there, a narcissistic extended family that hardly bothered, and a brother and sister that looked nothing like you.  How alone you must have felt even when surrounded by others.  Everyone that should have mattered failed you.  I recognize and I will always know my part in your demise.   You were robbed of the life you should have lived by those that should have been there for you, starting with me.  You had no one by your side to help you understand the world and to give you the proper tools to navigate through life.  I’m saddened to think that you felt as if nobody cared about you, and I’m ashamed to recognize that in a sense nobody, including myself, cared enough.

So it’s not surprising to me that you clung to anyone that gave you the attention you desperately craved, even if it meant being kept in the basement by the person that “loved” you.  It’s not surprising that you tried different ways to relieve your despair…including drugs.  It seems that nothing else was working for you at the time.

Those that lose children to a drug overdose are different from other parents that lose a child.  Most parents that lose children have little if anything to do with their children’s death.  Cancer is cancer.  Accidents happen.  But drug addiction and death by overdose is different isn’t it?  It involves parent participation, or lack thereof.

You are the victim in this scenario…not me or anyone else.  If anything, we are the perpetrators.  True, I can be seen as a father that lost a daughter to prescription drugs, and on the surface that’s what I am.  But if I take a deep look beyond the surface of it all, I can see my contribution. Before I let any emotion arise in me that may make me feel as a victim, I consciously remind myself of my role in your despair and in your death.  I think about how I fell short of being a father to you, and how my absence affected your well being.  I have failed.  In this way, before I allow myself the privilege of any other emotion beside love, I feel shame…

You will always be in my heart.

I love you forever.

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My Biggest Problem



One of my biggest problems has always been my inability to hold back my feelings about things that i should keep to myself. I have always had the tendency to share too much and too soon about personal issues, feelings, plans, etcetera to friends or even strangers, and have been quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t going to use that information against me in some way. Call me naive, but I have always assumed that if in any situation where someone had to make a moral choice about something,  they would make the choice that I would. It’s just the way I’m programmed I guess. Without making myself more than I am, and also acknowledging how I’ve fallen short many times throughout my life, I have tried to be forthcoming, honest, trusting, generous, kind and anything else that describes the qualities of a good person. At the same time I have assumed, or taken for granted, that everyone else generally living with the same mindset.  But I’m realizing that this way of thinking is flawed and has rarely worked in my favor. One reason is that there are people in this world that seek out and take advantage of others as if it’s the thing to do. I’m embarrassed to say that there have been several times through out my life when I have allowed myself to be manipulated by people like this, and every occasion has ended with me in a worse place than before, and realizing it was too late to do something about it. I’m realizing even this late in life that their are people in this world that live their lives at the expense of others. These predators, consciously or not, recognize weaknesses in others that they exploit for their own personal gain. This is the only way they know. It comes as naturally to them as breathing. They are so good at manipulating their environment and the people around them that they go unrecognized until there is nothing more to gain. They only move on when they successfully convince the rest of the world that what remains of the person they have damaged is at fault for everything for everything going wrong with the world. Although it pains me to know these people exist, I can only feel sorry for them and try to salvage anything that they haven’t already destroyed.

There is a special place in hell for these kinds of people. 

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