At first our phone conversations were awkward, full of uncomfortable pauses, but in time Mikhaila began to open up, albeit with a certain kind of aloofness that was all her own. I loved her even before I ever spoke with her, and in the next year my love for her grew exponentially, and was cemented with each and every word that was spoken between us. I got to see the beautiful young woman she had become from photos she and her mom sent me, and from those posted on Facebook. She was stunningly beautiful and I was extremely proud of her. I took every opportunity to share with others about my daughter, and showed pics of her to I anyone that would let me. I texted her almost daily with short messages like “I love you”, “you are beautiful”, “I’m here for you”, “you are not alone”, and other little reminders letting her know how much I loved her and how much I wanted to know her. I always looked forward to speaking with her and rushed to the phone whenever it rang anticipating her voice on the other end. Words can’t describe the joy I felt from the growing relationship with my daughter. Time would stand still for me whenever we would speak. At the same time, I was communicating with Mikhaila’s mother, Sarah, and between both of them I began to understand more clearly about the issues Mikhaila struggled with, and anout the demons that where haunting her.
One of my biggest problems has always been my inability to hold back my feelings about things that i should keep to myself. I have always had the tendency to share too much and too soon about personal issues, feelings, plans, etcetera to friends or even strangers, and have been quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t going to use that information against me in some way. Call me naive, but I have always assumed that if in any situation where someone had to make a moral choice about something, they would make the choice that I would. It’s just the way I’m programmed I guess. Without making myself more than I am, and also acknowledging how I’ve fallen short many times throughout my life, I have tried to be forthcoming, honest, trusting, generous, kind and anything else that describes the qualities of a good person. At the same time I have assumed, or taken for granted, that everyone else generally living with the same mindset. But I’m realizing that this way of thinking is flawed and has rarely worked in my favor. One reason is that there are people in this world that seek out and take advantage of others as if it’s the thing to do. I’m embarrassed to say that there have been several times through out my life when I have allowed myself to be manipulated by people like this, and every occasion has ended with me in a worse place than before, and realizing it was too late to do something about it. I’m realizing even this late in life that their are people in this world that live their lives at the expense of others. These predators, consciously or not, recognize weaknesses in others that they exploit for their own personal gain. This is the only way they know. It comes as naturally to them as breathing. They are so good at manipulating their environment and the people around them that they go unrecognized until there is nothing more to gain. They only move on when they successfully convince the rest of the world that what remains of the person they have damaged is at fault for everything for everything going wrong with the world. Although it pains me to know these people exist, I can only feel sorry for them and try to salvage anything that they haven’t already destroyed.
There is a special place in hell for these kinds of people.
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