3 Months

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” ~William Shakespeare


I think about you every day. I think about how things would be different now if I would have taken the initiative to connect with you sooner rather than later. I wonder in what way doing so would have affected your life, and mine for that matter. I think about how much we are alike, how passionate we both are about certain things, and how naive we are about others. I look at photos of you and think about how pretty you are, and how insecure. I wonder if you knew how much I love you.

Losing you is losing the most beautiful thing I never had. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled, and it’s exposed to the elements, and when cold wind blows through it, it hurts. I don’t think this feeling will ever completely go away, it’s becoming a part of me, a facet of my character, a part of my persona. In a way I hope it never totally does go away, because somehow, someway, I’m finding comfort in it.

I hope I always have at the very least the slightest sting of the pain that comes from knowing you are no longer in this world. Because it reminds me of just how precious and fragil life is. It keeps me aware that choices I make affect more than just me. It grounds me by knowing that I make a difference in other’s lives, whether I want to or not. I love you Mikhaila. I will always love you, and this faintest of pain will always remind me.

3 months is drop of water in the ocean of eternity, and the distance between the earth and the sun.

I hope I make you proud.


Recent Posts

My Biggest Problem

One of my biggest problems has always been my inability to hold back my feelings about things that i should keep to myself. I have always had the tendency to share too much and too soon about personal issues, feelings, plans, etcetera to friends or even strangers, and have been quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t going to use that information against me in some way. Call me naive, but I have always assumed that if in any situation where someone had to make a moral choice about something,  they would make the choice that I would. It’s just the way I’m programmed I guess. Without making myself more than I am, and also acknowledging how I’ve fallen short many times throughout my life, I have tried to be forthcoming, honest, trusting, generous, kind and anything else that describes the qualities of a good person. At the same time I have assumed, or taken for granted, that everyone else generally living with the same mindset.  But I’m realizing that this way of thinking is flawed and has rarely worked in my favor. One reason is that there are people in this world that seek out and take advantage of others as if it’s the thing to do. I’m embarrassed to say that there have been several times through out my life when I have allowed myself to be manipulated by people like this, and every occasion has ended with me in a worse place than before, and realizing it was too late to do something about it. I’m realizing even this late in life that their are people in this world that live their lives at the expense of others. These predators, consciously or not, recognize weaknesses in others that they exploit for their own personal gain. This is the only way they know. It comes as naturally to them as breathing. They are so good at manipulating their environment and the people around them that they go unrecognized until there is nothing more to gain. They only move on when they successfully convince the rest of the world that what remains of the person they have damaged is at fault for everything for everything going wrong with the world. Although it pains me to know these people exist, I can only feel sorry for them and try to salvage anything that they haven’t already destroyed.

There is a special place in hell for these kinds of people. 

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