10 months – What Do I Mourn?

I can’t – I won’t – let you die yet.

I don’t know you well enough to let you go.

We spoke for the first time barely a year prior to your death. One year….. One year is not enough for me to understand what it is that I’ve truly lost.

I’m still getting to know you.

Since the very first time I heard your angelic voice, my life completely focused on you. I was aware that I could never make up for being absent from your life, but for the next year, you became my entire purpose in life. You gave meaning to my life at a time when I needed direction. You consumed me daily. I did all I could think of to ease your distress. I wanted you to know that I loved you more than life, and that you weren’t alone. I never fathomed the notion of losing you before I got to you. I felt powerless and inept. I can only imagine how disillusioned you had become with life, and the distress you experienced when considering your place in the world. Looking back, I know I could have done more, much more….

I have no memories of you to contemplate, or stories of us together to relive in my mind. I’m not able to think back and lose myself in thoughts of happier times with you. There isn’t a certain song that reminds me of you, or a particular fragrance that brings you to mind. Shamefully, I can’t honestly say that I miss you as I should be missing you….. as a real father does when his only daughter dies. You see, when you were were born, I wasn’t man enough to step up and be the father that you truly deserved. I was a coward. I was a little boy. A self-centered, self-serving, angry little boy, pounding my chest with clenched fists, pretending to be a man. I rejected the idea of growing up and taking responsibility for my actions.

I’m sorry.

So what is it that I mourn?

I mourn not being man enough to be the father you deserved. I mourn turning my back on experiencing the love only a father can have for his daughter. I mourn not holding you in my arms as an innocent newborn baby, and the awe of watching you grow into a beautiful young woman. Of loving you unconditionally, no matter what. I mourn not being there the first time your heart was broken and hugging you until your last tear. I mourn not holding your hand on your first day of school and staying with you in class until you made new friends. I mourn not telling you that I love you every morning and tucking you in with a kiss every night. I mourn not staying up late, waiting for you to get home from your first date, and turning on the porch light as soon as you and your date reached the front door. I mourn not being a source for you of inspiration, guidance, hope, love…..

I mourn a future without you.

I love you my sweet angel.


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My Biggest Problem

One of my biggest problems has always been my inability to hold back my feelings about things that i should keep to myself. I have always had the tendency to share too much and too soon about personal issues, feelings, plans, etcetera to friends or even strangers, and have been quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t going to use that information against me in some way. Call me naive, but I have always assumed that if in any situation where someone had to make a moral choice about something,  they would make the choice that I would. It’s just the way I’m programmed I guess. Without making myself more than I am, and also acknowledging how I’ve fallen short many times throughout my life, I have tried to be forthcoming, honest, trusting, generous, kind and anything else that describes the qualities of a good person. At the same time I have assumed, or taken for granted, that everyone else generally living with the same mindset.  But I’m realizing that this way of thinking is flawed and has rarely worked in my favor. One reason is that there are people in this world that seek out and take advantage of others as if it’s the thing to do. I’m embarrassed to say that there have been several times through out my life when I have allowed myself to be manipulated by people like this, and every occasion has ended with me in a worse place than before, and realizing it was too late to do something about it. I’m realizing even this late in life that their are people in this world that live their lives at the expense of others. These predators, consciously or not, recognize weaknesses in others that they exploit for their own personal gain. This is the only way they know. It comes as naturally to them as breathing. They are so good at manipulating their environment and the people around them that they go unrecognized until there is nothing more to gain. They only move on when they successfully convince the rest of the world that what remains of the person they have damaged is at fault for everything for everything going wrong with the world. Although it pains me to know these people exist, I can only feel sorry for them and try to salvage anything that they haven’t already destroyed.

There is a special place in hell for these kinds of people. 

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