My Biggest Problem

One of my biggest problems has always been my inability to hold back my feelings about things that i should keep to myself. I have always had the tendency to share too much and too soon about personal issues, feelings, plans, etcetera to friends or even strangers, and have been quick to give someone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t going to use that information against me in some way. Call me naive, but I have always assumed that if in any situation where someone had to make a moral choice about something,  they would make the choice that I would. It’s just the way I’m programmed I guess. Without making myself more than I am, and also acknowledging how I’ve fallen short many times throughout my life, I have tried to be forthcoming, honest, trusting, generous, kind and anything else that describes the qualities of a good person. At the same time I have assumed, or taken for granted, that everyone else generally living with the same mindset.  But I’m realizing that this way of thinking is flawed and has rarely worked in my favor. One reason is that there are people in this world that seek out and take advantage of others as if it’s the thing to do. I’m embarrassed to say that there have been several times through out my life when I have allowed myself to be manipulated by people like this, and every occasion has ended with me in a worse place than before, and realizing it was too late to do something about it. I’m realizing even this late in life that their are people in this world that live their lives at the expense of others. These predators, consciously or not, recognize weaknesses in others that they exploit for their own personal gain. This is the only way they know. It comes as naturally to them as breathing. They are so good at manipulating their environment and the people around them that they go unrecognized until there is nothing more to gain. They only move on when they successfully convince the rest of the world that what remains of the person they have damaged is at fault for everything for everything going wrong with the world. Although it pains me to know these people exist, I can only feel sorry for them and try to salvage anything that they haven’t already destroyed.

There is a special place in hell for these kinds of people. 


Mikhaila’s Voicemail Message


I have only fragments of you from which to know you. I cherish these tiny glimpses more than anything. I love you. 

Miraculous Conception


She looked at me with her face lacking any expression and said, “I’m pregnant”. Wait. What? How was she pregnant? She had told me numerous times that she couldn’t get pregnant. She said she went to two different doctors and that they told her there was some sort of abnormality with her reproductive system. As a matter of fact, I had used protection every time we were together since the first time, and the only reason I stopped wearing a condom was because she told me she couldn’t get pregnant, and said that she didn’t like the way the condoms felt. She went as far as encouraging me to finish inside and assured me that there was nothing to worry about.  So, I trusted her and stopped using protection. In retrospect I can see what an idiot I was. But I can also put myself in the place that i was back then. Why shouldn’t I have trusted her? I mean, we had shared our most intimate secrets with each other.  We had many sleepless nights discussing everything about ourselves, our dreams, our fears, our hopes, everything. In the short time that we had known each other we developed a connection that I had never experienced with anyone before. I had no reason not to trust her, and I was secure in knowing that we had each other’s best interest in mind. At least that’s what I thought. 
“How is that possible?” I asked. 

“Doctors aren’t always right.” she said.

That’s it. That was her explanation. Nothing more, nothing less. I had no idea what to say or even how to react. I just stood there, frozen, probably with my mouth wide open. I was in shock. 

About a month prior to this, we had put the relationship on hold, and though we both worked at the same department store, we worked in different departments and would see each other only occasionally. We hadn’t spent time together or had a conversation for weeks before that day when she decided to tell me about this “miraculous conception”. There may be misconceptions about how things unfolded bank then. Some people may have been told a version of the events in which it is suggested that I abandoned my daughter by ending the relationship with the mother because she became pregnant. This is simply not the case. To clarify, we broke up for other reasons which I won’t get into at this time, and it was only after we broke up that i found out she was pregnant.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“What do you mean what are we going to do? I’m going to keep it. Abortion is against my religion,” she said.

What the fuck? Against her religion? She hadn’t been involved with the Jehovah Witness religion for at least as long as I knew her. Now, overnight she conveniently becomes devoutly religious? What about the regular premarital sex? What about the daily consumption of alcohol? What about the smoking cigarettes, and all of the other questionable behavior? Besides, I wasn’t asking her to get an abortion. I was asking her to explore our options. But it was too late in the decision making process for my input, because she had already decided without me what was going to happen. She had already come up with a plan. A plan of how she would have a baby, regardless of anything else. I wonder when she thought of this plan?  I wonder if she had this plan in mind even before she met me.

How I Met Your Mother



Mikhaila just days Old

She was barefoot on a skateboard clumsily swinging her leg trying to negotiate the unleval sidewalk in front of her. A long, almost Victorian looking sun dress covered her completely from her neck to her ankles. Unruly blonde, curly hair fell wildly from her head down to the middle of her back. She had so much hair that it made her head seem disproportionately huge compared to the rest of her body. Even from across the street the distinct cackle of her laughter could be heard loudly as she rode awkwardly down the sidewalk. I had never seen anyone like her in my entire life. I was fascinated. “Who is that? ” I asked my friend Sid. “I think her name is Sarah. They just moved in to that house across the street,” he said.  Without even thinking about it, I got up from where I was sitting on Sid’s front lawn and walked across the street toward her. I barely heard my friend Gary behind me say, “Dude, don’t mess with that,” as I ignored his plea and continued on my mission to investigate this strange anomole. “Hi,” I said. She looked up at me and I saw the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. A large Roman nose sat predominantly in the middle of her face and below that, her exagerrated  mouth which reminded me of that mouth with the tongue on the cover of the Rolling Stones album. She wasn’t particularly beautiful in the classic sense of the word, she had such a unique appearance that i couldn’t help but stare. I was drawn to her. She intrigued me. Nothing else mattered but getting closer to her. Nothing else existed in that instant except her and me and the space between us. Everything was completely silent save her voice and the beat of my heart.  “Can I bum a cigarette?” she asked, holding the skateboard at her side. “Sure”, I replied reaching into my front jeans pocket and producing a cigarette box with only two left. I took both out, put them in my mouth and lit them at the same time. I then took one of them and offered it to her. “we smoke the same kind,” she said. Benson & Hedges Delux Ultra Light Menthol 100’s in a hard pack. What are the odds? I could have never realized then just how much this girl would impact the rest of my life. It was from that day forward that my world would never be the same.