The Justice I Seek

Focus on LOVE, not HATE. FEAR begets HATE, and HATE begets ANGER.

I know exactly who peddled drugs to Mikhaila, even on the night that she died, and who was in the same room with her the night that she overdosed. I know who encouraged her to use the drugs, who accompanied her to get the drugs, and who used the drugs with her. I know who neglected her, who abused her, who took advantage of her, and who mistreated her. I know their names and I know where they live. I have spoken to some over the phone, I have communicated with others through email or chat, I’ve even met with a few in person, face to face, at their homes, and have had the opportunity to share with them my thoughts about them personally, and about the situation as a whole.

In light of this, I could spend time and energy pursuing those individuals that in some way had a part in my daughters drug addiction and death, in hope that maybe I will find some sort of justice for Mikhaila. But even when considering the best case scenario of the most “perfect” form of justice: an eye for an eye, that is, you took my daughter’s life, so now your life will be taken, it does not change the fact that my daughter is still dead. In this way, I can never be made fully “whole” in the truest sense of the word. In the end, I may or may not get the justice I’m looking for, and in the meantime what am I sacrificing?

If I focus my efforts on finding justice in this way, I hold on to emotions that motivate me to seek said justice, and that hinder me from continuing with my process of grieving. The end doesn’t justify the means. Here is the thing: I refuse to allow those who facilitated my daughter’s drug use, and ultimately contributed to her overdose death, to take any more from me than has already been taken. Let me be perfectly clear, choosing to not spend more time than I already have on people I don’t really care about, does NOT mean I am over the death of my daughter any more or any less.  It does NOT mean that I condone my daughter’s drug use, or that I’m okay with how she died, or that approve of any certain kind of behavior. I’m searching for the low hanging fruit. I feel my energy is better spent helping an 18 year old, drug addicted girl that wants to get clean, than prosecuting an 18 year old boy that just doesn’t give a fuck. Saving the 18 year old girl is as close to being made “whole” as I can get, and the justice I seek.


4 thoughts on “The Justice I Seek

  1. That’s deep. It is so true don’t waste your time on those types of individuals. Karma. That’s all I have to say about that. Nothing goes unpunished. Those individuals that were with your daughter when she took her last breathe will live with that memory for the rest of their meaningless lives. From here out everytime they get high, in the back of their damaged little brain, they will wonder if this high could be their last. It’s just a matter of time.

    Your time can be better spent trying to help others. You are definitely on the right track here. Continue your journey of healing and in that process you will heal others. Turn this tragedy into something positive in your daughters memory as you are doing. You’re doing a great job and I am proud of you my friend. Vengeance will occur without you. Mark my words.


  2. I wholeheartedly agree. Whether karma takes place or not, or when if ever, don’t waste your time and energy on those people. There is no “perfect” form of justice because nothing will bring her back and if vengeance were to be had, in the end I doubt you would feel any better for more than the immediate seconds following and you would continue to mourn her. Perhaps the best vengeance is to treat them with the indifference that such worthless animals deserve. If you can help even one child from the end that your daughter suffered, and his/her parents from the pain that you now feel, that’s time well spent. Think of what your daughter would want you to do, what she from Heaven sees you doing with your life. She made bad choices, choose to help other kids make better ones. {{{hugs}}}

  3. Amen!
    I had to battle with the detective working my son’s case to get his personal possessions returned to me: The last few pages of his last journal pointed to the person that sold him the drugs that killed him, so they wanted to keep it as evidence to convict that person. At first, in a daze, I was supportive. But, as time wore on and I asked more questions, I really couldn’t see why they would even bother. The detective actually responded to one of my questions stating, “I don’t see my job as going to make a difference at all in drug use in the US. Getting this guy convicted won’t help a bit as there is so much coming into the country from Afghanistan and no way to stop it. I am just doing this because it is my job.” After much thought, putting whoever in jail just made me think how useless that is. I would however be very pleased if he knew that Matt died though. Knowing is enough of a prison.

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