Focus on LOVE, not HATE. FEAR begets HATE, and HATE begets ANGER.
I know exactly who peddled drugs to Mikhaila, even on the night that she died, and who was in the same room with her the night that she overdosed. I know who encouraged her to use the drugs, who accompanied her to get the drugs, and who used the drugs with her. I know who neglected her, who abused her, who took advantage of her, and who mistreated her. I know their names and I know where they live. I have spoken to some over the phone, I have communicated with others through email or chat, I’ve even met with a few in person, face to face, at their homes, and have had the opportunity to share with them my thoughts about them personally, and about the situation as a whole.
In light of this, I could spend time and energy pursuing those individuals that in some way had a part in my daughters drug addiction and death, in hope that maybe I will find some sort of justice for Mikhaila. But even when considering the best case scenario of the most “perfect” form of justice: an eye for an eye, that is, you took my daughter’s life, so now your life will be taken, it does not change the fact that my daughter is still dead. In this way, I can never be made fully “whole” in the truest sense of the word. In the end, I may or may not get the justice I’m looking for, and in the meantime what am I sacrificing?
If I focus my efforts on finding justice in this way, I hold on to emotions that motivate me to seek said justice, and that hinder me from continuing with my process of grieving. The end doesn’t justify the means. Here is the thing: I refuse to allow those who facilitated my daughter’s drug use, and ultimately contributed to her overdose death, to take any more from me than has already been taken. Let me be perfectly clear, choosing to not spend more time than I already have on people I don’t really care about, does NOT mean I am over the death of my daughter any more or any less. It does NOT mean that I condone my daughter’s drug use, or that I’m okay with how she died, or that approve of any certain kind of behavior. I’m searching for the low hanging fruit. I feel my energy is better spent helping an 18 year old, drug addicted girl that wants to get clean, than prosecuting an 18 year old boy that just doesn’t give a fuck. Saving the 18 year old girl is as close to being made “whole” as I can get, and the justice I seek.